Sometimes I wish I knew what it was to not want for any thing real or necessary. And I don’t just mean simple material things, like non-crap food, decent clothing, a decent place to live, and books. I mean things that can fulfill my mind and soul. In my world I have wanted a friend. I have never had a good friend as a child; that was a non-material thing I have wanted for. It took me 25 years to make a small group of good friends, and still I am scared of losing those people. When I was young I could never understand why I was such an awful person to be friends with. Was I too pushy, or rude, or did I do things that bothered people? Did they tell me, would I have known if they had? My mum once said that I was just too passionate for people, thus I clung to that like a glass buoy in the ocean where I lived in my mind. That is the picture I see when I think of other people, of the social world, worlds like school and work, and the neighborhoods and public places. Places where people could look at me.
When I dream, I don’t dream of lots of possessions, I dream of a cozy simple life. I dream of not having to worry about being able to give my children the things they need to feel safe and simply happy with them selves. I guess I can believe if I am a good enough mother they will not want for their needs. But how many people honestly have ever had to live a life (or even think of it) wishing for the simple things. How many adults have so much, and have never been scared or been with out? Can those people truly understand wanting as a child. I look at grown up children, who were and are still spoiled, and wonder how much they are missing when they take their lives for granted. When they followed the path given to them, and they think it is hard. Try following a path that is not even there, where no one gives you any thing. There is no path to follow, there is no true direction to go. Try making your own way in a world that holds you back at every milestone. Like swimming up river. Where you dare not dream of the simple things or you will be deeply disappointed.
What if you lived that life where you have been poor all your life, but you were told it was okay to hope, it is a good thing to dream. So you make these big beautiful dreams, and they are grand, and it could happen. What happens when your whole family, your whole support group tells you they are too big, or grand, what do you do? Do you keep going, working hard to meet your stars? If you make it, do you scoff at those who told you it could never happen? If you fail, do you blame your lack of support? What if those people who told you to come back down to earth were people who crashed at their own dreams? Do you scoff at them then because they did not make it and were forced to live in reality?
What if, they started out so low and the dreams they had where simple, and they got most of them, but you could not understand how any one would dream of such simple easy things? What if for them reality is a safer place.
I just want to be happy. I just want to be content. I want to live with out fear. Is it so much to be humble and live a modest life? I just want the simple things.
I do have my secret dreams. The ones I tell no one, they are my wild dreams, because I could never wish to catch them.
Monday, February 22, 2010
I have been neglecting this blog, but I have a rather good reason. I am creating and writing in another blog. But this is a special and important blog. It’s for the bun in my oven, but she (yes, it is a she) is more special than that. She is my Cinnabun.
I am wondering if I should try to keep this blog up as I keep with that one. I have thought perhaps once I have accomplished the finishing touches on The Fox Cub, I can just focus on writing. Maybe one day I will join them, or not. I am thinking I want to keep that blog for when she is born, and so on.